On the Lighter Side

Legal Jokes

Are you a lawyer? Yes. How much do you charge? A hundred dollars for four questions. Isn’t that awfully expensive? Yes. What is your fourth question?

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue

A priest and a lawyer died and went to heaven on the same day. St Peter showed them both to their rooms. The lawyer’s room was extremely large and lavish, but the priest’s room was a little ten-by-ten cell with one window and a cot. The priest said, “St. Peter, I have spent my entire life serving God. Why do I get a crummy room and the lawyer gets the best room? St. Peter replied, “Well, we get thousands of priests up here but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”

The judge said to the dentist, “pull my tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

A lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by as ball. When the player came overlooking for the ball the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and this will cost you $5,000!” “I’m sorry, said the golfer, But I did say ‘fore’. “I’ll take it,” said the lawyer.

Thief: Your honor, I need some time to prove my innocence. Judge: All right. I will give you one year time in prison.

A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery the mourners are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.” Suddenly Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this.” Through his tears Murray croaks. “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”

What’s the difference been a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer will let a case drag on for several months. A good lawyer will make it last even longer.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What da hell do you think you’re doing? “ “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer…but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

Listen Carefully

Osama Bin Laden sought admission to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?” Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane. The trashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. “This not what you promised me,” said Osama. “Come on, Osama,” the angel replied. “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven.”