On the Lighter Side

The Italian Secret To A Long Marriage

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th Wedding Anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Guiseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th Anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”

The Italian Golfer….For A Long Life

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘how do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my father’s dead?’ The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘That’s great, but I’m sure there’s no more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’

“Who said my Nono’s dead?’ Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?

Understanding Women

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: ‘Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want..’

The Lord said: ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possible help mankind.’

The biker thought hard about if for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?’

We’re So Great

A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”

The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in two weeks he is looking for work.”

The U. S. doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us…in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls…we made him President of the United States, and now…..the whole country is looking for work!!!!!!!”