Father’s Day (When It’s Time for Dad to Face His Creator)

“We learned to be so graceful, watching wild horses running. And from those agile angels, we knew the tide was turning. For we watched as on the skyway, the herons circled slowly. While we, mere mortals, watched them fly, our sleepless eyes grew heavy.” Bernard John Taupin (1950-), English poet, lyricist, and singer

Dads are mortals (The age of integrity v. despair)

I remember New Year’s Eve of 1996 when my dad, who was diagnosed with stomach cancer, told me in Ilocano: “I might not be able to cross the bridge anymore. Take care of your mom.” It was the time when I experienced and realized the integrity and dignity of a dying man, frail as he may be, but still in possession of the features of a man I very much admire and love so well, more so, because he was not afraid of death.

According to behaviorist and psychologist Erik Erikson, a person goes through different stages of life. As one passes through them, crises arise in the form of conflicting needs: individual or personal needs v. demands and expectations of society. The successful completion of each stage results in healthy personality and acquisition of basic virtues.

The last and final stage, according to Erikson, is the Ego Integrity v. Despair Stage that begins approximately at age 65 and ends in death. To some, this stage can come early. It is in this stage that one has to acquire integrity – “The acceptance of one’s one and only cycle that had to be.” Success in this stage will lead to the virtue of wisdom. Wisdom enables a person to look back on his life with a sense of closure and completeness, and also the acceptance of death without fear.

When dad needs emotional support (The 7 “E’s”)

There are times when family members have to face the truth. When dad is about to go away because of some terminal condition, he needs emotional boosting:

1. Educate. Inform him about his condition. Give him chance to talk to other patients who had gone through a similar journey.

2. Enable. Let him move forward and instill confidence in him about the decisions he has to make.

3. Empower. Let him be his own advocate. Encourage him to ask his doctors, friends, and family about his needs and concerns.

4. Empathize. Make him feel that he is not alone.

5. Energize. Let him decide to seek what he feels is the best possible care. Let him ask the right questions, and maybe look for a second or third opinion without being intimidated.

6. Evolve. Let him accept and understand his present situation. In a terminal condition, not all days are bad days, for there are good days as well.

7. Emerge. With the right support, he will emerge in his journey from a cancer patient to a cancer survivor. Who knows? This might lead to a second chance at life.