On the Lighter Side

Patience of a Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long… easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “Its okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into “I don’t know how you did it. The whole time you kept you your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying ‘things would be okay’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little shit’s name is Kevin.”

Not all seniors are senile

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000.” The jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” sad the old man, “But let me tell you about my Great Weekend!”

See…not all seniors are senile.

Secretary

Joe: Your secretary is very sexy.

John: Thanks. It’s a robot from Japan. I named it “Sweety”. If you squeeze its right breast, it takes notes. If you squeeze the left, it types. I’ll lend it to you for a day and you can see for yourself.

The next day Joe called from the hospital and shouted, “John, you bastard! You did not tell me Sweety’s reproductive organ is a pencil sharpener!”

Nothing going right

A little guy is sitting at the bar at his drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with the milk man and then my dog bite me. So I came to this bar to whip up the courage to put up an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve, a smart ass like you shows up and drinks the whole bloody lot.”